How far must I Travel...

captbackfire17 @ 2009-03-16T23:32:00

2009-03-17T06:32:40Z

captbackfire17 @ 2009-02-05T18:06:00

2009-02-06T02:45:13Z

midterm turned in. i think i did ok. thanks to the word limit, it seems a bit disjointed.

research paper turned in. skimmed 5 books and read 9 studies. i think i did what i could. i just hope he likes it.

no more papers until... finals week!

omg, yay!

hahaha.

but finals week, I have two essay finals and a research paper. fantastic.

but i'm sure sam would give us 2 weeks for the paper, the research paper will be assigned in the beginning of March (do it first!) and the 2nd final is one that can be done in 2 days... hopefully.

right now, i'm reading a paper on discourse and coherency. a startling insightful piece of work written by Jerry Hobbs, apparently a computer programmer or something.

what i realized is that... if i tried read this in HS, i wouldn't understand a thing.

i just love how this works out. how much we learn and how much we change. i think it is the most thrilling thing in the world. so many opportunities to be better and different.

captbackfire17 @ 2008-04-23T19:34:00

2008-04-24T02:36:38Z

I did it! I fucking did it!

The first bit of good news, all this damn, sorry ass week.

Grandpa is still doing ok, he's not getting any worse, at least. I just hope this cancer doesn't break him or take him down, he's been through too much to fall from this stupid illness.

My dad is doing alright, in a lot of pain but he's hobbling. They took out all of his screws and the metal plates in his leg. Yeah, he's in a lot of pain.

I got a facebook, so you can add me if you want. I think I might have to ad you, i'm not sure, I set up a huge wall to prevent people from just adding me. If I have facebook, I'd like to keep my life to myself, if at all possible.

new e-mail?? jylim17@ucla.edu

captbackfire17 @ 2008-04-04T22:16:00

2008-04-05T05:19:14Z

work was... productive. i got the cash drawer just right, which made me smile

however, i first forgot to count the second part of the $100. so i was $100 short on the drawer... good lord. i almost lost my head.

work tomorrow again, at 9.

i seriously should be studying psych and phil 14... =(

shit. fuck.

i really want this week to go by. i want the 18th to come b/c that means i'm in the clear until finals, basically... wait, shit, i have my anthro test on the 16th.

fuck nuggets.

captbackfire17 @ 2008-02-03T21:46:00

2008-02-04T06:21:14Z

I feel that this is overdue and after collecting my thoughts in a rational manner and expunging any negative thoughts or comments (what I view as negative), I am prepared to assess the recent events that have unfolded.

Even though Guisou is not a member of the "Secret LJ Society", I have learned that she has access to it regardless so I will be speaking as if this is a completely public and open forum.

In the past two years, many, many things have changed for myself and for the people around me. We have all gone in different directions and the world view has altered.

Say what you want about, "Oh, it's because of Chris!", but after the Chris debacle has unearthed many long suppressed feelings of anger, frustration, hopelessness and depression, I went into a deeper downward spiral.

After lots of therapy and being put on an array of medication, I took advice from my therapist and turned to better myself as an individual instead of dumping everything and seeking solace from my friends. I tried to do it and I think I was successful for most parts.

However, in my darkest hour of need I felt abandoned and neglected by almost all of my, what I considered to be, close friends. Maybe it was a lack of understanding or maybe it was because you didn't have the energy to care. That's fine, either way is fine because it has passed and there is no point in my harboring any feelings from that time.

The only reason I brought up those memories is because in recent times I have not been as enthusiastic or estatic as some friends wish for me to be; I have been turned upon because of this.

Anything I say is NOT to bring you down, to affect your mood or to make you depressed. What I say comes out of a place of concern and I have learned how to control myself, despite the alarms in my head going "Danger! Danger!" and my innate sense to try and "help" (what I think is help) my friends.

I have curbed my tongue and I find that my friends (not all, but some) have failed to curb their own. Their tongues continue to flap with topics that I have to greatly control myself on replying about. I am NOT capable of sitting there, smiling and echoing or expanding on your joy about specific topics.

So I did what I think is best for both of us and that is to not talk about anything at all. This is not out of spite, anger or malice. This is out of concern for the deterioration of our friendship but apparently this is taken as a hostile or unpleasant route. I either tell you to "stfu" (which I don't think I can) and change the topic, as I often try to do but it just re-routes back to the previous subject, or I avoid it all together.

I am not for confrontation (as seen by this post) so I opted for the less confronting one.

In a circle of trust and what I concerned to be a safe place to be completely (or almost completely) honest about my feelings, it has turned into evidence and I am now on trial.

If my suggestions to you were unheeded before, why does my opinion of you matter now? It shouldn't, logically, and if I am disappointed or upset, is it not my own problem?

You come to me with something once, I empathize, nod and give you a pat on the back.

Second time, I am concerned and wondering why you won't fix it.

Third time, I offer my advice and encourage you to take action, as sitting around and waiting for it to pass never works.

Fourth time, I am upset and frustrated, wondering why the HELL do you keep bitching about it and why not just DO SOMETHING??

Fifth time and beyond, I just swallow what I have to say because you obviously have NO interest in taking my opinion.

With this said, my feelings can only turn to frustration. I am upset, wondering why would a friend, that I consider to be close, not act upon her misery and try to change it. Maybe somethings can't be changed, but adaptation, therapy, some sort of HEALTHY outlet that will benefit you overall seems like something you should be doing.

I try so hard not to come off like a parent, I just want you to be happy and hearing my friends lamenting and moaning about the same things is hard for me to deal with. I know what it's like to sit there and feel the same crap, day after day. I've been there and please don't you tell me that I don't know what it's like to feel hopeless.

If you don't want me to be like this or try to help or feel the way I do, then I suggest that you avoid the topic all together. Or, if you fail to control yourself as I have a very difficult time controlling myself, I believe it is best if we avoid a conversation all together.

When you come home, let's talk and smile as if nothing happened. But there is no need to try to extend a deep friendship.

I believe that deep friendships are ones where it is safe to voice concern for the other and you seriously consider their opinion. I tried to do that with Guisou, as I was beginning to spend so much time with her, I began to enjoy the idea of us becoming very close and telling each other anything and everything.

But the lies surface. I am perplexed by the lies and hurt. I hear things like, "you're judgemental"... OF COURSE I AM! The whole WORLD is judgemental (and this is not being pessimistic, this is being realistic) and despite what I think of you, I do my best for it NOT affect our relationship.

But I am not perfect and from time to time, maybe more often than I believe, it does affect our relationship.

But why lie? Why say crap about me as if to shake off my opinion as something that isn't worthy of your own ears?

If you take my opinion so deeply to heart, it must be one of two things:

1) You and I are better friends than I thought and I should of come up with a different way, a nicer way, to voice my thoughts.
2) You are very insecure and any negative thoughts someone has about you affects your day.

I suffer from #2, not always, but enough that I am embarrassed about it (why the hell would I be writing this, then?).

If you feel the need to be better than me or feel the need to put me down or tear away at aspects of my life, maybe it is best if we just leave our relationship and just walk away.

I only want to repair a friendship between someone that I enjoy spending time with and someone that gives me something that I cherish deeply.

But if you snipe to others about me because I don't dance to your tune, or if you feel the need to put me down or dismiss me as a bad person. I don't need our friendship, or whatever it is, and I think our lives would be better if our pairing no longer existed.

There is no need for anything to end upon disagreeable terms. But I learned that some people have a real problem with the person that I am. What am I to say? What am I supposed to do?

Like I said, people change and this is what I have become. Serious (relatively), neurotic, tired, impatient (I'm working on it), and many other issues that I am not afraid to deny.

You can sit and point out all of my flaws and deem me as human as the next person. But try to see it from my point of view.

I see a friend that is grabbing the live wires from the wall. He/She keeps yelling out in pain, turning to me and asking me to soothe the wound. I do so, for awhile, then I begin to wonder wtf is my friend still grabbing the wire? Then my friend turns to me and tells me how awful it is and how miserable they are. So I suggest that they stop grabbing the wire and go about it a different way. But they look at me with upset eyes, still wrapped up in the wire and are now seeing me as if I am trying to control them.

So I back away, I give them the respect and the control that they crave. But they still grab the wire and all I can do is watch and wonder which shock is going to knock them out cold?

Also imagine any friend coming to me and asking me about how this and such is. I know what they want to hear but I also know what I know for a FACT and have gathered from my own experience. I tell them to go for it but I feel morally (or emotionally) obligated to let them know what I know. My knowledge is your knowledge and I want you armed and ready.

But it isn't appreciated and soon it is spreading that I am unpleasant person and suspicions of my jealously or attempts to sabotage arises.

What am I supposed to say to this? This is not my intention AT ALL, but for some reason it has come out that way. Other friends tell me to say what my other friends want me to say, but in my mind and heart, I can't do that. I feel obligated to disclose the whole truth. Apparently I am just digging my own hole.

This website has put me in this position and I think it is right if I try to... I suppose explain myself. I can apologize about certain things, but some things just can't change. If you want me to lie, then I best not speak at all.

You can say anything you want about me and of course I say stuff about other people too. But when I feel like I am getting to the catty, bitchy stage, I immediately turn around and find what I feel inside. If I say anything "negative", it comes from my heart and it comes from my concern.

Maybe you don't want my concern. Then we can just be light friends, occasional acquaintences and meet whenever it happens to be so.

I am not trying to be the victim. But I honestly thought that we were close friends and that I can convey my joy (and I DO feel joy) and my concern in the same breathe.

Apparently not. Or maybe it was just taken as sabotage or an attack. I mean to do nothing of the sort and if it came off like that, I am sorry.

But I honestly can not be the only person to blame here. I accept all faults as I see in my own mind and assume more as I know that I have done many things unintentionally (apparently MANY). I actually don't see any reason for blame here.

All I can do is just get this off my chest.

As this is what LJ is for.

captbackfire17 @ 2006-07-19T11:11:00

2006-07-19T18:11:29Z

i am not using AIM anymore.

got a new laptop.

want to talk to me? call me

(818) 486 - 4311

captbackfire17 @ 2006-07-16T20:11:00

2006-07-17T03:14:56Z

if i lay here

if i just lay here

would you lie with me

and just forget the world?

captbackfire17 @ 2006-05-25T21:19:00

2006-05-26T04:22:31Z

A year has passed since I wrote my note
But I should have known this right from the start
Only hope can keep me together
Love can mend your life
But love can break your heart

I'll send an SOS to the world
I'll send an SOS to the world
I hope that someone gets my
Message in a bottle

what a sad, unhappy day...

nothing good happened, nothing right... every right is now a left and my world is upside down.

did i mention i will be going to college with andrew shaffer?

captbackfire17 @ 2006-02-19T01:38:00

2006-02-19T09:43:53Z

so another night of doubt, confusion and pain.

thanks to the wonderful people of this planet, i am once again... depressed.

now don't break out the prozac, according to my sister i was just born with it. but i just need some... some human kindness. i guess.

now don't get me wrong, everyone generally (except a few) have been very nice to me and such. But i just need that connection. that one inside joke, that ONE look.

then everything will be fine.

like i said to ashley,

CaptBackfire17 (1:29:53 AM): i think...
CaptBackfire17 (1:29:55 AM): that
CaptBackfire17 (1:29:57 AM): hopefully
CaptBackfire17 (1:30:02 AM): everything will turn out as it should
CaptBackfire17 (1:30:10 AM): and the good will be rewarded, and the evil be smited
CaptBackfire17 (1:30:15 AM): and everything will balance out in the end

i've taken out the last part. lol. 'cause it makes a bad reference that doesn't need to be declared... but ashley knows *wink, wink*.

ANYROAD... i need to get away. i need to go to the end of some distant pier, drop a line and watch the sun rise. i need to row out to the middle of a lake, drop the anchor, lie down and let the waves rock me to sleep. i need to go to the top of a hill in the middle of a canyon and yell my head off. i need to fall asleep on a hammock on a fair spring day. i need to sit on the shore of the beach until the sun sets, with the person i love most in the entire world. with the person that i can be with until the mountains crumble to the sea...

oh stand, won't you stand, stand by me?

captbackfire17 @ 2006-01-19T20:08:00

2006-01-20T04:15:06Z

I'm confused.

Too many wires are crossing, I'm getting odd feeds out of people...

I wish I can just go up to them, shake them wildly and get a real answer out of them. Like a TRUTHFUL Magic 8 Ball. *shakes* "I'm lying to you because I feel that you will think little of me if I tell you the truth." (just coming up with a reply, not directed toward anyone).

But then people are sensitive. They don't like the direct approach... I JUST WANT SOME ANSWERS!!!

I want to ask 5 people direct questions.

... but then again, I also want to marry John Mayer.

which is probably never happen.

captbackfire17 @ 2005-12-17T23:09:00

2005-12-18T07:26:09Z

to lighten my mood.

I made a bug decision a little while ago.
I don't remember what it was, which prob'ly goes to show
That many times a simple choice can prove to be essential
Even though it often might appear inconsequential.

I must have been distracted when I left my home because
Left or right I'm sure I went.(I wonder which it was!)
Anyway, I never veered: I walked in that direction
Utterly absorbed it seems, in quiet introspection.

For no reason I can think of, I've wandered far astray.
And that is how I got to where I find myself today.

captbackfire17 @ 2005-12-12T19:40:00

2005-12-13T03:40:57Z

hear she's kickin ass across the board and rock two hundred thousand higher scorer
Just in time to save the world of being taken over
She's a warrior
I couldn't play again because the game it never end it never even landed on the can
And never let me in to spend my quarter
There's no love for me no more

Say it isn't so
How she easily come, how she easy go
Please don't tell her that I miss her
Because I don't

She was the girl with the broadest shoulders
But she would die before I crawled over them
She is taller than I am
She knew I wouldn't mind the view there
Or the altitude with a mouth full of air
She let me down and doubt came out until the now became later

Say that it isn't so
How she easily come, how she easy go
Please don't tell her that I've been meaning to miss her
Because I don't
Not for her
It's not that I'm mad to forgive
Forget what I said

That I'm crazy like the rest of us
And I'm crazier when I'm next to her, ha

So why after the all of everything that came and went
I care enough to still be singing of the bitter end and broken eras
I told you I don't but
I am only trying to be the best with my intent to cure
The rest is sure to lay me ease the plural hurts of the words of reverse psychology
That's easier said
Easier than done
Please don't dare tell her what I've become
Please don't mention all the attention I have drawn
Please don't bother cause she'll feel guilty when I'm gone

Because I'm crazy like the rest of us
And I'm crazier when I'm next to her
And it's amazing how she's self-assured
And I know she'd hate me if she knew my words
Do I hurt anymore
Do I hurt, well
I don't
I don't
I don't

the weirdest song EVER. i don't get it.

captbackfire17 @ 2005-12-11T21:51:00

2005-12-12T06:03:41Z

i just watched half of the funniest movie i have ever seen.

well not the FUNNIEST, but it's in Korean, which made it it 10 times funnier.

let's recap, shall we?

the whole story is about this village that is SO isolated that during the Korean War, they didn't know there was a war going on! They don't eat meat and their lives revolve around farming and bee keeping. So when two South Korean soldiers come to their camp, they invite them in. All of the sudden, three NORTH Korean soldiers come in and they have this stand off for literally three days.

but all the while, this one man plane with a white guy flying it crashes nearby the village. He is badly wounded, they take care of him but he is desperate to get out of the village. But he only speaks English, they only speak Korean.

Now, the funny parts.

The South Koreans and North Koreans face each other with the village, about 15 people, huddled in the middle of it. They were all sitting on this raised platform that Koreans eat on durning hot summer days. But the soliders are standing and the North Koreans yell, "Sit down! Everyone! On the platform!" but 15 people can't ALL fit on this. So they all sit down and this one guy falls off and he goes, "oh! I am so sorry!" and he climbs back on. LOL.

the North Koreans are out of bullets, but they each have a grenade. The South Koreans have their guns and they just keep facing each other. They go through rain, heat wave and night, just facing each other. The Villagers have NO idea what's the big deal about a grenade or a gun, so they just move on with their lives, just watching the soldiers in their standoff. The white guy is there too, he just sits on the side, watching the soilders face off.

This girl skips in, sees the ring for the grenade pin and then pulls it. The soldier is so tired that he doesn't notice it, but he just keeps his grip on it. A day passes, he squeezes so tight, the handle snaps off and the grenade rolls on the ground. One of the South Korean soldiers throws himself on it, but it doesn't go off. So he stands up, gives a sigh and tosses the grenade which ends up rolling into a corn store house. The grenade goes off and popcorn goes flying through the air!!!

Oh, wait. When the Villagers were sitting in the platform, one of the guys goes, "Did you all see the path by the bee hive?" and they respond, "Oh yeah, I saw that, did you?" he goes, "Yes! I also saw the pig! There is this BIG pig that is bothering the hives! What can we do?" and a guy suggests, "I heard somewhere that if you grab the pig with one arm and punch him in the eye three times, he'll go away!" "Where did you hear that?" "From somewhere." "liar!" LOL

Oh, in the beginning when they found the white guy. there is this teacher of the village, and he has this First grade reader. He tries to talk to the white guy. The teacher says, "How are you?" and the white guy goes, "How do you think I'm doing? I'm in PAIN!" and the Teacher turns to the other villagers and goes, "I don't understand." and the elder of the village says, "Doesn't he speak English?" and the teacher says, "I think he's speaking incorrectly. This book says, 'How are you?' and he should say, 'I am fine, thank you. How are you?'." LOL LOL LOL!!!!

ha-ha! I love my ability to understand conversational Korean!!! ha-ha!!!!!

captbackfire17 @ 2005-12-08T19:49:00

2005-12-09T03:51:33Z

Jangoon is missing...

we have no idea where he is, he hasn't been entered into the pound and we haven't see him ANYWHERE!!! What are we going to do?

I just hope he's not in pain... or that he wasn't in pain. the fucking gardeners, they let him loose. freaking assholes...

he hasn't come in, once. we haven't seen him running or anything, we asked people, they haven't seen him at all... i'm so worried. i haven't seen him for the past 4 1/2 hours. where the hell can he be?!

JANGOON!!! COME HOME, JANGOON!!! MY FLUFFY COMPANION!!!

fuzzy bum... *sniffs*

captbackfire17 @ 2005-12-07T21:47:00

2005-12-08T05:57:11Z

Remus Lupin
You are looking for someone sweet, intelligent, and
understanding. Although he may have big
troubles to overcome, with you by his side this
wolfman will at least have a non-judgmental,
loving romance.

Who is your Harry Potter love match? (for girls)
brought to you by Quizilla

wow... that is surprisingly accurate.

captbackfire17 @ 2005-12-06T19:32:00

2005-12-07T03:40:58Z

life is... *sigh*

we always end up regretting something in the end... *sigh*

but one day, in this cosmic enterprise... that maybe, one day... when two people who secretly admire each other may meet at a chance moment in time, and connect.

one day...

not now, of course. lol. now is time for physics, math and social disorder. not love... maybe when i'm six feet under, there will be time for love... true, undying love.

"nothing quite takes the taste out of peanut butter like unrequited love."

captbackfire17 @ 2005-12-02T20:43:00

2005-12-03T04:48:12Z

*sigh* i just don't get it. Am I supposed to get it? Maybe I'm just supposed to remain guessing for the rest of my life??

today was just... another weird day. i know that Andrew doesn't like me. no one can try to change my view, except him. He just views me as a friend, and truthfully... I can't blame him. I flirt so subtly... if at all. How can anyone tell? I'm only really flirty with the people I am comfortable with. I would act super comfortable around Andrew, but I know he won't be comfortable so that makes ME uncomfortable. Not that I'm uncomfortable or nervous around him. In fact... I feel fine when I talk to him. I laugh and joke around, no flutters... the weird feeling only comes when I think about the fact that I'm going to see him. Weekends are peaceful because my mind knows that I won't see him until Monday. So no sick, weird feeling. People say they love that feeling... but I hate it. ugh, i hate it. it makes me feel weak and sick... i get sad and depressed whenever that feeling comes around...

anyway.

if anyone wants to do anything, let me know. but for now... i'm just gonna hide away in my room with the computer screen as my window to the world... it's always less harsher and more pleasant through the view of a flat screen.

captbackfire17 @ 2005-12-01T19:30:00

2005-12-02T03:51:47Z

something to do... from allie.

01. I see: my computer.
02. I need: some peace.
03. I find: questions
04. I want: peace.
05. I have: worries.
06. I wish: that i could go to New York for Christmas.
07. I love: people. mainly tall, quiet, smart, funny compatriots.
08. I hate: being hated.
09. I miss: my sister.
10. I fear: being useless.
11. I feel: freakishly calm.
12. I hear: 'If I Ever Leave this World Alive' by Flogging Molly
13. I smell: my perfume.
14. I crave: the fresh air.
15. I search: for peace.
16. I wonder: where i'll be in 20 years.
17. I regret: not trying hard enough in life.

In The Last 48 Hours, Have You:

01. Cried: yes
02. Bought something: yes
03. Gotten sick: yes
04. Sang: yes
05. Eaten: yes
06. Been Kissed: no
07. Felt stupid: hm... no.
09. Wanted to tell someone you loved them, but didn't: yes
10. Met someone new: yes
11. Moved on: no
12. Talk to an ex: no
13. Missed an ex: no
14. Talked to someone you have a crush on: yes
15. Had a serious talk: yes
16. Missed someone: yes
17. Hugged someone: yes
18. Fought with your parents: actually, yes. weird...
19. Dreamed about someone you can't be with: yeah, Mr. Darcy.

Social Life:
01. Best girl friends: Caitlin and Company...
02. Best guy friends: Sam, Jeff... too many. :) i'm so lucky.
03. Boyfriend/Girlfriend: uh... haha. too sad, too sad...
04. If no, current dating partner: again... sad.
05. Hobbies: i thought it said Hobbes! lol. hobbies? reading... giving good rants... singing along poorly... dancing in the rain... day dreaming... personal motiviator... personal comedian.
06. Pager: nonexistent.
07. Are you center of attentention or wall flower?: depends when i want to be. generally i'm the center of attention.
08. What type automobile do you drive: honda accord
09. What type automobile do you wish you drove: mini-cooper
10. Would you rather be with friends or on a date: on a date with a few friends.
11. Where is the best hangout: outside, under the stars... but a nice fire, chatting it up.
12. Do you have a job: yes
13. Do you attend church: no
14. Do you like being around people? sure, not all people, but generally... yes.
15. Who: strangers, friends, fellow students, certain tall, quiet, smart, stoic compatriots....

Friends:

01. Who have you known the longest: Nan-Nan.
02. Do you argue the most with: um... haha... i have no clue! oh! Roy.
03. Do you always get along with: Sam.
04. Is the most trustworthy: they're all trustworthy...
05. Makes you laugh the most: Caitlin :)
06. Has been there through all the hard times: Sam :) i looooove you!
07. Always has a man/woman: allie? i dunno...
08. Is the most sensitive: michelle
09. Has the coolest parents: probably Caitlin... around me, at least! lol. maybe Emilie.
10. Has the coolest siblings: Emilie
11. Is the most blunt: probably me... or brian. hm... i'm not sure. or Emily Souza... heck, we're all pretty straightforward!
12. Is the shyest: Tiffany
13. Is the most outgoing: Emilie
14. Is most Rebellious: Brooke.
15. Is most conservative: Crystal. i dunno, the first republican that popped into my head. and yes, i know that you didn't really mean THAT kind of conservative, but i wasn't going to dwell on it.
16. Is most likely to become famous: Jeff... oh, wait. Chris. lol, just to make jeff mad. Chris or Michael.
17. Is most likely to become rich: Chris again.
18. Is most likely to wind up in jail: Jeff, obviously!
19. Is most likely to have a million kids: Ken! lol!!!
20. Always wears a smile: Alex Ringe!!! I love Alex!!!!!!
21. Is the same mental age: Sam
26. Needs a good man/woman: All of us. lol. well, not ALL of us.... u know what i mean!
27. Never ever betrayed you: Sam, but then again... a lot of my friends have never 'betrayed' me. lol, they know that there are dire consequences.... *cracks knuckles*

Personal:

01. Who is your role model: michael palin and my sister... lol, i would like to point out that i put michael palin first... just to ruffle her feathers.
02. What are your pet peeves: people that are mean to their parents, little consideration for others in socially sensitive situations, sniveling weaklings, attention hoggers, the greedy... aw, hell. PEOPLE are my pet peeves.
03. Have you ever been in love: no... probably not.
04. Have you ever liked someone you had no chance with: lol... jesse reiss... too hott to touch.
05. Have you ever cried over the opposite sex: sadly... yes.
06. Do you have a "type" of person you always go after: yup, tall and smart. but mainly tall.
07. Have you ever lied to your best friend(s): white lies... to protect our souls from the outside world.
08. Ever wanted to get revenge on someone because they hurt you: wanted? yes. did? no.
09. Ever been cheated on: lol.
10. Ever said I love you to a significant other: not to a significant other, but to other people, yes.
11. Rather be dumper or dumped: Dumper or dumped... whatever. if it's time to bail, it's better to do it before we both drown and die.
12. Rather have a relationship or a "hookup": relationship
13. Want someone you don't have right now: yeah, 'In My Father's Den' by Maurice Gee (*HINT HINT* Christmas wish list want #1!!!)
14. Ever liked your best guy/girl friend: once... lol. turned out to be gay! lol. :) i still love him... just no that way. :)
15. Do you want to get married: that would be lovely.
16. Do you want kids: of course.
17. Do you believe in psychics: lol, you gotta! what would Mr. O-dog say?? *BAM!*
18. Do you believe you know the person whom you will marry at this point in time: uh... maybe?
19. What is your favorite part of your physical appearance: my hair, smile... i dunno, it's all lovely.
20. What is your favorite part of your emotional being: my social sensitivity sensors. I can detect anything from a mile away.
21. Are you happy with you: for the most part.
22. Are you happy with your life: lol, not until school is over, completely over.
23. Are you depressed right now?: not really.
24. If you could change something in your life right now, what would it be: i would be able to sing really well.

captbackfire17 @ 2005-11-30T20:06:00

2005-12-01T04:13:27Z

"if the sky... that we look upon... comes tumbling down... and the mountains... should crumble... to the sea... i won't cry, oh i won't cry! no i won't... shed a tear... just as long... as you stand... Stand By Me."

i love that song, has to be one of my FAVORITE songs EVER!!!

Anyway... school was just another one of those energy sucking, bottomless pit kind of days. Econ was a total waste of time, minus a few good laughs with friends, but otherwise... ugh. I don't think I ever saw Jeff put his finger in a girl's clevege before... i don't think i want to, ever again.

lol.

i'm tired... oh, so, freaking tired.

"so darling, darling, stand by me... oh stand, by me... oh stand now... stand by me... stand by me..."

i think caitlin has a good point, do i have TIME for a boyfriend??? Unless he's the nocturnal type who has a lot of time at night. yeah... work, tutoring, and then more tutoring, AND school?? I don't think I can give anyone the full attention they deserve... unless they're perfectly happy just hanging at school... which i can do.

"Everyday, it's a getting closer, going faster then a roller coaster, love like yours will surely come my way... a-hey, a-hey, a-hey hey...."

i know, the last one is NOT stand by me... it's 'Everyday' by Buddy Holly.

hm... tired.

captbackfire17 @ 2005-11-29T19:12:00

2005-11-30T03:19:57Z

I spent the past hour, outside and admiring the sky. lol, i know it's overcast, but it was still beautiful. the ripples in the clouds... contours of nature...

anyway.

i built a fire in the chimnea, warmed up and enjoyed just laying there, breathing in the woodsy smell and thinking... it's dangerous to just sit and think, because you're bound to get a few ideas or be completely crushed. But only bliss came.

I feel at peace now, yeah, I know I was in complete disarray about the lack of a boyfriend. But hey... whatever. You know? It's just... not that simple, anymore. Sure, boyfriends are fun to have... but so much work!

when it comes down to it, it is just a careful social dance that many of us just aren't ready to try! well, we think we are and we're delighted in the idea of it... but come on. Are the boys ready? Not at all. not in the least bit. guys are more petrified of rejection then we are, and we should cut them some slack.

all i am really looking for... is for some peace. maybe i'll find it... if i stop looking.

captbackfire17 @ 2005-11-29T16:45:00

2005-11-30T00:50:53Z

Rides a skateboard: no.
Dresses like a surfer: no
Dresses in all black: no
Plays a musical instrument: not mandatory
Sings songs: no
Is shorter than you: NO
Is taller than you: YES!!!!
Has chapped lips: um... i don't care. as long as it's not bleeding. i dont' wear chapstick, why should i make him?
Has green eyes: mmmm... sexy. that would eb nice.
Has brown eyes: sure
Has Blue eyes: having eyes is nice
Drinks alcohol: if he wants to
Smokes cigarettes: NO, smelly, ew.
Smokes pot: smells, no thanks.
Has brown hair: sure.
Has Black hair: yes.
Has blonde hair: no thanks
Works out: if he wants to, whatever
Smiles a lot: of course! :)
Smiles when you walk into the room: uh, YEAH
Calls you just to say hi: um... a little too clingy, it would be nice to chat but to say "Hi"? Hello, AIM!
Is a deep thinker: yes! I want him to be the wise fool. birds of a feather... i suppose.
Lets you know he was thinking about you: lol, that would be cute. but he doesn't need to say it all the time, it's kinda given, no?
Compliments you: once in awhile, especially when i'm having a bad day.
Has facial hair: i can live with stubble, but no grizzly adams beards or... yeah. stubble is nice. maybe some chin fur... no soup catchers, nothing near the mouth.
Wears eyeliner: uh... no. lol. i like my men to be MEN.
Gauged ears: ew, no
Tongue piercing: NO
Eyebrow piercing: uh, NO
Lip piercing: NO
Loyal: duh, it's a given.
Laid back: yeah... that would be nice.
Rich: it would only be a bonus. :) lol, seriously. I wish I didn't sound so shallow, but one of the reasons I love Daniel Radcliffe is because he is the 3rd Richest teenager in Britian. Behind Prince William and Charlotte Church. I mean, come on! He's hott AND he's rich?? DUDE! LINE ME UP!!!

captbackfire17 @ 2005-11-27T00:25:00

2005-11-27T08:28:36Z

this basically sums up my life, right now:

this will all make perfect sense someday
i'll be A-ok....
this will all make perfect sense someday
there’s got to be a reason for the rain

all my bills have all gotten paid
i saved the bad, i broke the bank
this could have been a slow song
a laundry list of all the wrongs
but at the end of the day
this is my beautiful disaster piece I’ve made
and it goes, and i quote, and i never would lie:

this will all make perfect sense someday
i'll be A-ok....
this will all make perfect sense someday
there’s got to be a reason for the rain

i don't understand the numbers
but my faith is in the math
and the odds are all this pain will even out in the end
and we'll look back and laugh

and to all the hearts i've broken
and the ones that once broke mine
i've got suspicions all will be forgive in time
all you gotta do is call them up and say:

this will all make perfect sense someday
i'll be A-ok....
this will all make perfect sense someday
there’s got to be a reason for the rain

and if it ever gets bad, i mean really bad
i'll move to Nova Scotia and forget the life i had
be up at nine each morning down by the shore
collecting things that fell off boats in storms
Okay, so i might never but it’s nice to know the options there
the options there...

this will all make perfect sense someday
i'll be A-ok....
this will all make perfect sense someday
there’s got to be a reason for the rain
a reason for the rain, a reason for the rain
the reason for the rain, for the rain

and it doesnt help that i keep biting my lip in the same place

i think that song sums up the life of more people then me...

captbackfire17 @ 2005-11-24T19:58:00

2005-11-25T03:59:19Z

so... another thanksgiving has come and gone.

i'm tired.

i can't feel my feet.

my eyes are dry.

and i smell like millions of god-knows-what things.

i basically stood since 10:00 to 4:30. AM to PM.

yeah.

i'm tired.

captbackfire17 @ 2005-11-23T23:08:00

2005-11-24T07:14:56Z

what a looooong day.

i went to work after school, only for an hour and a half. I have to come in on Friday, at 11:00, apparently. also i realized i still kind of like Andrew, why, is also beyond me.

my sis even talked to jon tolman about it, and he went, "Why??". If I could answer that... wow, my life would suck so much less.

i hate... everything. people. school. society. andrew... EVERYTHING!!!!

only good news is that on friday... I'm going to watch Pride and Prejudice again. Yes... Matthew MacFadyen just makes ALL mundane problems fade away. :) his sexy Mr. Darcy walk... and that coat! *gasps* And those boots! *gasps* AND THAT HAND STRETCHY THING AFTER HE TOUCHED LIZZIE'S HAND *OH MY FLIPPING GOD, SEXINESS!!!*

I'm ok.

anyway... yeah. bored. life stinks, i'm tired, i feel sick, i don't want to clean the house tomorrow and cook... *argh* I HATE THANKSGIVING! THERE IS NOTHING TO BE THANKFUL ABOUT!!!!

NOTHING, AND I MEAN NOTHING, PARTICULARLY GOOD IS HAPPENING TO ME. I THOUGHT I WAS OVER A GUY, BUT I'M NOT. I THOUHT I COULD GET INTO UC MERCED, BUT I WON'T. I THOUGHT STATISTICS WOULD BE EASY AND FUN, BUT IT ISN'T. I AM SICK AND TIRED OF LIVING THIS LIFE. IF MY ACADEMIC AND SCHOOL LIFE HAS TO SUCK, CAN'T I AT LEAST HAVE A BOYFRIEND?? I GUESS NOT!!!!

All I can look forward to now is retirement... and a nice long nap in a pretty box with a pillow, far away from the rest of the talking world.

captbackfire17 @ 2005-11-22T20:25:00

2005-11-23T04:25:45Z

college applications are done!

GOOD RIDDANCE!!!